We often hear people in the scene talking about this Master or that Mistress, this
Dom or that Domme, we hear good things and bad things, things to make our hair stand on end, things to make us laugh
and things to make us cry.
Of course believing everything
bad you hear, is not a good idea, as many statements come from rumours and hearsay.
It’s not only bad
things we hear though, word of mouth recommendations are usually accurate, and so if someone tells you that Master X or Mistress
Y is a good Dominant, then you could reasonably expect that to be close to the truth.
So what is it that makes
a good Dominant – what qualities does a person need to wear such a label.
I have answered this
question on other forums with this quote:
'A good dominant
does not have to blow His own trumpet – he just “IS”. He doesn’t have to demand respect, He gets that
anyway, He doesn’t have to announce to the world who He is, because His reputation and the respect of His peers precede
Of course there is much
more to it than a simple quote – the qualities in a good Dominant are many and varied and in reality the qualities are
really attributed to the PERSON – by that i mean that a particular man (or woman) is a good Dominant because He or She
possesses qualities that are the essence of a good person.
A good person has qualities
such as kindness and consideration, empathy and sympathy, politeness and respect of others, honesty and ethics, and probably
many more that could be added to this list.
It is those qualities
which give a person the character, personality and skills to be good at anything he or she does, whether it be a career, family,
or dominance – or submission for that matter.
A good Dominant will
not read a few pages on the internet, have a look through a book and then declare himself an experienced master with many
years experience and several “trained submissives” under his belt.
Most good Dominants have
taken the time and trouble to attend workshops and seminars and have perhaps had lessons from or sought advice from other
Dominants more experienced than themselves.
There are many so called
Dominants who do not know the difference between being dominant and being domineering.
A domineering person
thinks that it is all about “being in charge” no matter what. Domineering people are often overbearing, loud and
tyrannical – yes they exercise control, but it is done in an oppressive way, they are unjust and severe in their treatment
of the people around them and their control is often enforced with threats of physical punishment and with no thought for
anyone but themselves.
On the other hand, a
Dominant person also exercises complete control but it is done in a more subtle way, with influences and thoughts rather than
threats and physical punishments.
Dominants care about
the people around them, and though they can be authoritarian and powerful, they have the utmost respect for others and a high
level of care and consideration.
So a good Dominant, takes
responsibility for the submissive or submissives in His life, he controls them and dominates them, but He is empathetic to
them and sympathetic to their needs, understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident
in their submission.
A good Dominant is respectful
of others, both submissive and dominant, and is not too proud to ask for advice or help if it is needed.
A good Dominant is the
one whose name comes up in conversation time and time again, he is the one who is sought out for advice, or help.
He is the one who other
Dominants aspire to be like, he is a role model to up and coming Dominants, and he is the one that many submissives would
like to belong to.
A good Dominant is popular
within the scene and makes time for everyone, and more importantly, does not belittle others, no matter what he may think.
He treats everyone with respect and kindness, but does not suffer fools and is not afraid to speak his mind and tell someone
off should it be necessary.
He also tries to be non-political,
as far as is possible, not entering into arguments or disagreements, but instead is more likely to act as a pacifier and an
arbitrater in an effort to diffuse the situation rather than inflame it.
And of course with this,
comes the “tall poppy” syndrome.
There are jealous people
in every group or society, people who are consumed with it and who will try to discredit someone at every opportunity.
Most good Dominants simply
ignore the criticisms and barbs aimed at them, as they are secure in themselves and know that fires without fuel will eventually
From a personal point
of view, belonging to a Master whom many consider to be a “good dominant” and being well respected and high profile
within the scene, also affects me and my life with Him.
I have to constantly
share Him with others who need or want His attention. I have to understand that when we are out, people will gather around
Him, He seems to draw people to him no matter where we are.
I also have to be very
careful of any comments or actions of my own, as my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him.
I am often asked by other
submissives what life is like with Master Joe…
Is He tyrannical and
pedantic? Is He unreasonable? Is the D/s as good as you thought it would be?
The answer is - yes He
can be tyrannical, and pedantic and on occasions unreasonable, but tempered with that is the underlying caring and compassion
and the fact that He is not thoughtless, or oppressive in His Domination. He simply wants things done His way, and if i conform
to that, and conform to how He wishes me to behave, then there is never a problem.
He has taught me through
encouragement and thought association, and not through threats of punishment or domineering behaviour. He does not say “My
way or the highway” but more “My way, but we can discuss it and I will explain it so that you understand what
is I am asking of you”
i have been with a domineering
man who thought he was a Dominant.
This person convinced
me that he knew it all, that he was experienced and had trained other submissives before me. He convinced me that there was
no need to mix with others at events as that was for ‘newbies’ and was boring for anyone of his standard. How
is that for arrogance!
He had me on an emotional
roller coaster for 8 months with no care or consideration for my feelings and my submission, just what he could get out of
it. His punishments were harsh – and i know now, also dangerous.
There is a big difference
between someone such as him, and my Master – they are worlds apart.
And to answer ‘is
the D/s as good as i thought it would be’….. It is far better than i thought it would be – and i have learned
many things about myself and my life.
There is no door except
the one through which He can lead me. There is no end to this relationship as it is a never ending journey with so many new
things to see and learn along the way.
So in conclusion, I can
say that in my opinion, a good Dominant is the one who is looked up to by his peers and sought out by Dominants and submissives
alike, for friendship, and advice. He is well respected and well liked due to his nature and personality, and gives much of
himself to others.
And he doesn’t
have to blow his own trumpet!
© Kim Debron 2007