my name is kim and i live in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my Master, these
are my thoughts on submission, and being a submissive.
the purposes of this article i will refer to all Dominants as “He”, and all submissives as “she”,
though statistics do show that there are probably as many male submissives as there are female.
Firstly, the dictionary gives the
basic meanings of the word submissive as follows:
The act of submitting to the authority or control
The condition of having submitted to control by someone else
The surrendering of power to another person.
obedient, slavish, servile and compliant
are just a few other words that can be used to describe submissive behaviour.
What is a submissive?
A submissive is a person who makes a conscious choice to give up some or all control
of her life to another person - a Dominant or a Top.
Dominance and submission is about
a power exchange between two consenting adults. It is about the control within the dynamics of that relationship, whether
it be a full time 24/7 relationship, or a casual meeting, or a part time arrangement.
Choosing to be submissive means
to allow someone else to control your body and behaviour within the preset limits you and that particular person, ie the Dominant,
have agreed upon.
Submission is not a sign of weakness,
some of the most successful and strongest people are true submissives.
Submission is not about passiveness,
it is not about being a doormat - most submissives are intelligent and well balanced people just fulfilling their basic desires
to submit and to give up control.
Submission is not about kinky sex
and whips and chains – though those things can and do play a part in our lifestyle, it is much deeper than just that,
and comes from the heart.
Submission is a choice, and a wonderful
gift to the Dominant – it should never be entered into lightly, even in a casual situation at a party or gathering.
What does a submissive
A submissive does whatever her Dominant
requires of her, within the boundaries already agreed upon by both parties in the relationship.
She serves Him in whatever manner
He wishes, for His pleasure and His comfort.
Of course the most common perception
of BDSM is that it is about kinky sex, and being tied up and whipped! In reality, it isn’t necessarily that way at all.
However, having said that –
serving the Dominant sexually can and does happen, depending again on the boundaries agreed upon.
Being there for His pleasure is
what is important, He may wish to flog, spank, whip or cane the submissive, or perhaps indulge in medical play, or bondage,
any number of activities, whenever and however He wishes.
Serving can take many other forms
too, such as taking care of His house, cooking, cleaning, accompanying Him on outings, sitting at His feet, running errands,
doing the shopping to name a few.
He may set tasks for the submissive,
just for His own amusement, but more likely with a purpose, perhaps to help her improve her situation, or to challenge her
mind, or simply something that He needs to have done.
In a more casual arrangement, the
power exchange can be just for play, or for a regular amount of time each week, and in those cases, the submissive will give
over control for the agreed period. Then serving is more likely to be for play, with or without sex, and perhaps some role
In a more long term arrangement,
such as i have with my Master, the degree of submission is deeper and can include things such as what the submissive wears,
how she has her hair, where she sleeps and what she eats. Long term relationships are more likely to include sexual service,
but that is not always the case. There are D/s relationships where sex is not a factor at all.
A good example of this is the relationship
my Master had with one of His submissives who was a bisexual male. My Master is straight – there was no sex at all between
the two, yet for them both, it was a very fulfilling and complete D/s relationship.
Are there different types
The simple answer is yes, we are not all tarred with the same brush, though we all have
one main thing in common and that is the need to give control to someone else. We
crave the feelings that come from the power exchange, no matter what form it takes, from physical play sessions to a request
to serve tea to the Dominant, and anything in between.
There are various ways of describing
each type of submissive –
The psychological submissive gets her reward from the physical act of
submission, and can often have masochistic tendencies, liking harder play than most. This submissive is into it for the pain
and humiliation and often sees these activities as a punishment, which gives her the release she craves.
Quite often a psychological submissive
is only a part time player, having another life completely and keeping both sides of her life separate from each other.
The sexual submissive is also sometimes described as the immediate submissive,
and her need is filled by the consequences of her submission, in other words the sexual satisfaction or gratification she
feels from submitting to a Dominant. Sometimes it can be a release from guilty feelings that she likes these activities, sometimes
she just simply craves the endorphin rush and once it has passed, she feels no need to continue to be submissive.
The natural submissive is also known as the true submissive and usually
has slavish tendencies. Her submission goes way beyond the sexual side of things and is more a part of her intrinsic personality.
Her deep need is to relinquish control, and to please the Dominant in all ways, and her fulfilment is the very act of submission
in all forms.
During my research for this article
i came across a good analogy of describing the different types of submissives:
is like drinking a glass of water:
The Immediate submissive might have water only when she eats curry. She
doesn't do it for itself really, she drinks it because it makes the curry much better, cleanses the mouth, cuts the fire,
makes her able to eat more. She wouldn't think of drinking water without the curry.
The Psychological submissive drinks water because she likes it. Sure
she will drink it with curry, but she’ll drink it with roast beef, she’ll drink it with sandwiches, she’ll
drink it without food at all - because she likes the taste, the way it flows down the gullet, the cleansing feel.
The slave/natural submissive
is someone in a hot climate. She has to drink water. Nothing else does the job.
She can try wine or beer or sweet drinks, but when push comes to shove she must have clean water, because the others don't
cure the thirst. They might allay it some but when the heat is very fierce, water is the only solution.
It is also important to remember
that there can be combinations of the different types in the one person, it is not as clear cut as simply describing a submissive
as any of the three definitions given. Within those definitions there are many variations and combinations. Submission can
take many forms, and there is no right and wrong. If the basis of the relationship is a power exchange between the parties
concerned, then whatever feels right to those people involved,is indeed a Dominant/submissive relationship.
Can you learn to be a
submissive or is it natural?
People can learn to act submissively, this is called role playing or bottoming, where
a person who may not be submissive all the time, will act in a submissive manner, to a certain Dominant, for an agreed amount
of time in a play session.
There are many people who do just
that, masochists often fall into this category.
A masochist is not always submissive
but will act submissively in order to get the play he or she craves. There are, however, some submissives who are also masochists.
Some people are natural submissives
or true submissives, these people do not learn to act in a submissive manner, they simply ARE submissive. A submissive may
undergo training to learn the correct way of doing things for her Master or Dominant, but the basics of her submissive nature
are already there.
She submits because it is a need
deep within her soul, not for any other reason.
I fall into this category, i am
submissive, my need to serve Master is overwhelming, my need to sit at His feet, to call Him Master, to do His bidding and
to accept His authority and control of my life, is what i live for.
I have been described as more of
a slave than a submissive, and i believe in my own heart that is a more accurate description of my nature – it is also
sometimes referred to as a submissive with slave tendencies.
I think of myself as a slave to
What is the difference
between a submissive and a slave?
Submission is not slavery, all slaves
are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves.
In basic terms, a submissive has
some rights and choices in the relationship between herself and the Dominant or Master she is submitting to. She has a right
to be heard and a right to say no, and is often allowed to make small decisions for herself. Of course all of these things
are at the discretion of the Dominant, and her voice may be heard, but it may not change the outcome.
The other important point to note
is that a submissive has a safe word.
A submissive does not necessarily
live with her Master, it can be a casual relationship, or a permanent, but part time arrangement, as well as a 24/7 live in
situation like my own. A submissive can be owned and collared to one Dominant or can simply be one who chooses to submit to
someone, at a given time.
A slave does not have rights or
choices – except for the one which is to walk away.
She gives up all rights when she
agrees to be a slave. A slave cannot say no, a slave cannot make decisions unless told to, and a slave only has a safe word
if her Master allows it.
A slave is usually owned and collared,
and though does not have to live with her Master, that is often the case.
How does a submissive
behave in public and in private?
A good submissive will always remember
her place, no matter where she is, and should behave accordingly.
In public especially, a submissive
needs to show respect to people around her.
An owned submissive like myself,
has to remember that whatever she does, is a direct reflection on her Master – if she misbehaves or is rude or disrespectful,
it looks as if her Master has no control, and He can lose face or His standing in the community.
A submissive should never disobey
in public nor should she disagree with her Dominant in front of others. If she has a protest, it should be done when she is
alone with Him, when she can ask to speak freely and things can be discussed fully.
In private, things are often a lot
more relaxed, but even so, good behaviour is one of the most important things to practice. Dominants get tired of having to
always be jumping on a bratty or badly behaved submissive. Any good Dominant will not reward bad behaviour so playing up to
get a spanking often doesn’t work it just makes everyone concerned irritable, and punishment is likely to be unpleasant.
Of course there is one situation
where bad behaviour is acceptable – that is in a role play session, where for an agreed period the submissive may behave
like a naughty child, or a rebellious teenager, in order to get the Dominant to punish her. Those scenarios can be fun, and
are often a good way for the submissive to let her cheekiness and brattiness out.
It must be said, that in a session,
obedience is paramount, there should never be a time when a submissive disobeys a direct order, her life may depend on it.
Most true submissives really want
to please the Dominant and therefore bad behaviour is not a common occurrence. Not many submissives deliberately disobey,
though sometimes they get into trouble for silly mistakes or for not thinking. When this happens, a good Dominant may very
well punish her, but it will be a fair punishment and she will learn the lesson and hopefully won’t make the same mistake
How does a submissive
relate to other submissives?
Most submissives will behave in a polite and correct manner towards other submissives,
no matter what.
An unattached submissive should
never, ever try and push her way in between another sub and her Master or Dominant, it is simply not the done thing.
She may politely request to talk
to the Dominant in question, but she should always respect protocol and the position of the other submissive.
There are of course submissives
who will behave in this fashion, but they are soon noticed and either told about it, or find themselves on the outside of
An unattached submissive, may try
to compete against others, but normally this is not the case and usually only some newer submissives, or those that really
do not understand what submission is about, will behave in this manner.
A submissive needs to have submissive
friends, to be able to confide in and to let off steam, knowing that her friends understand the lifestyle and the constraints
that come with it. Choosing to give up control of some or all aspects of your life is not an easy decision, nor is it a smooth
running path all the time.
Submissives often find that they
either can’t contemplate telling their family, or their ‘vanilla’ friends or that those same friends are
open minded but simply don’t understand.
How does a submissive
relate to other Dominants?
A submissive should always, without question be polite and respectful to other Dominants.
Some submissives use the titles of Sir or Ma’am when addressing other Dominants, but it is more a personal choice of
the Master as to how His submissive will address other people. It can also depend on the particular Dominant’s standing
within the D/s community.
A submissive should never use the
single title of Master or Mistress except for her own Dominant. The exception would be to use the Dominant’s full title
such as “Master Joe” or “Mistress Roni”. That is an accepted and fairly common form of address from
any submissive, owned or otherwise.
From my own experiences, i tend
to use a mixture of both methods, some Dominants i would never think of using anything but Their full titles, whereas others
i will address by Their names only. It really depends on my Master’s relationship with the Dominant in question, and
also my own connection with Him or Her. I have friends who are Dominant, that i only ever call by Their given names.
An unowned submissive may speak
to Dominants freely, but should usually ask to do so, whereas an owned submissive
usually needs to get permission from her Owner first.
An unattached submissive who is
looking for casual play or for a more long term relationship, should, without question always be well behaved and show respect,
but should not be scared to approach Dominants that she may come into contact with.
If i am spoken to by a Dominant
that i am not familiar with, my response is usually something along the lines of, “Please excuse me, but i will need
to get permission to continue this conversation” i would then go and ask Master to either come and talk to the Dominant
in question or else ask for permission to continue the conversation.
Most good Dominants have a huge
amount of respect for submissives, and understand the deep nature of their gift and commitment to their Dominants.
Because of this understanding, there
is usually politeness accorded on both sides, however there are Dominants out there who believe that any submissive is fair
game and should submit no matter what.
A useful saying to remember, is
“i may be submissive, but i am not YOUR submissive” – basically meaning that as a submissive, you do not
have to submit to any Dominant except your own, or where there has been an agreement made.
If i am treated in an unacceptable
manner by another Dominant, i have permission to tell that person in no uncertain terms to “f*** off!” However,
i would normally ask Him if He has permission to touch someone else’s property and i have been known to point to my
collar and tag – which clearly states “Property of Master Joe”!
A Dominant should never physically
touch any submissive – especially one who belongs to someone else.
Of course these are not hard and
fast rules and there are plenty of occasions when contact does happen. For example, two Dominants and Their submissives who
are all good friends, will meet up – the Dominants will usually shake hands and often will kiss the Other’s submissive,
and the submissives will normally hug and kiss each other too.
There is a protocol of sorts in
The submissives must wait until
the Dominants have greeted each other, then the submissives must greet the Dominants, and finally each other.
Greetings are an important part
of the lifestyle we follow, and going to an event – a submissive may expect to be kissed and hugged many times over,
by Dominants and submissives alike, both for hellos and goodbyes!
The question maybe raised about
whether or not a submissive should offer her chair to a Dominant if there are none available. The answer to this is no, unless
directed to by your own Master or Dominant. In the vanilla world that may be acceptable behaviour but in the D/s world it
is not. If your Master wishes you to give up your seat, He will ask you to do so, other than that, you remain seated if you’ve
been told to sit!.
In simple terms it is about politeness
and respect for the Dominants. I find a great deal of joy in learning about and putting into practice the protocols demanded
of a good submissive, knowing that my behaviour reflects directly back to my Master, it fills me with a sense of pride knowing
that i am doing the right thing.
So in conclusion, it can be seen
that a submissive is just like any other person. We have likes, dislikes, worries and fears the same as everyone else. Submissives
come in all shapes and sizes, and all sexualities and ages, there is no discrimination.
We are just normal people fulfilling
our own desires honestly, in a world which is considered by many, to be alternative and definitely not mainstream society.
© Kim Debron 2006